i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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