ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
