you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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