All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
