see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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