I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
We have so much sex to catch up on
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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