so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
