The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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