4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
