yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
