I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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