i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
