My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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