i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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