Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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