just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
