im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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