Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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