We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
How external is "for external use only"?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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