I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
