Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
