There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
