im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize