On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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