i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
