it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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