Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
