Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
How naked do you want me to be?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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