I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
