We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
