3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
