If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
