Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
