If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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