seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Randomize
