I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
