I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
