Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He better not be in your backpack
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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