I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
