My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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