I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Randomize
