dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize