I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
