at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
