that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I've blown a few things in my day
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize