I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
