Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
