smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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