I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
