Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
