I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
