I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
