I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
