Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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