can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
a search helicopter?!
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
