Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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