i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
