My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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