I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
